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Bah, no inspiration to think of a title...just read it :))
Posted on: Saturday, January 29, 2005
Got my ADSL yesterday!!
Wow, I met some very nice people today. I was with a friend at a bistro (that's akin to a cafe, for all you peasants out there
)--which is what I've been doing a lot of since returning permanently to Spain. I should've started brushing up on my Spanish by now but I haven't found a Latin American teacher yet and I'm loath to learn that hideous ceceo that characterizes (or, should I say, bastardizes) Castellan Spanish. I have secured a part-time job which pays a shitload of money for practically no work. Some people are so dumb: they're paying me EUR 30 an hour for something they could easily do themselves. But hey, I'm not complaining!! 
ANYWAY, so I was there sipping my orange juice (which invariably gives me a helluva toothache later but I can still never resist it) engaged in a conversation, and a group of young Muslims walks in (two guys and three girls). I had no idea where they were from--could be anything from Morocco to haFilipinim--but I was quite happy because normally the only "foreigners" we get around here are dime-a-dozen teabags, much to my annoyance. Sometimes it seems half the damn England is down here. Some of them have been living here for ten, twenty years and their level of Spanish is STILL along the lines of "yo wanto un cheeseburgero." And they don't think there's anything amiss with that but they're the first to bitch about all the "immigrants" back in England who "don't want to accept our culture, speak our language, or dress like we." Pricks. Howbeit, our friends there were engaged in a fast-paced discussion (in Arabic, which narrowed my dilemma down a little) when all of a sudden one of the gents addressed us and asked if we spoke any French. My friend doesn't but I (kind of) do so we got talking. They initially wanted to know if we could recommend a place to stay up in Murcia for the night and things to see. Well, I couldn't be very helpful there but all the same we continued talking and eventually joined them at their table. And then they said they actually approached us because we were Jewish (they saw my kipah) and, to cut a longish story short, cared for some dialog. They turned out to be siblings from Morocco on their travels through Portugal, Spain and France. Naturally, we talked about le Moyen-Orient and they showed common sense, maturity and humanity. Of course there were differences but we agreed on most things and the rest were merely details. It only goes to show that we are all but humans and those of us who and normal and unburdened people can most definitely get along with each other. We agreed to stay in touch by e-mail--crap, I'll have to brush up on my French as well!--and some of them should be returning this summer. AND, last but not least, the girls were DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Too bad they'd only want to marry a Muslim.
Anyway, it put me in a good mood after Schindler's List had totally pissed me off two days before. And then I just read on Habibee's blog about more inter-faith cooperation in Florida. Don't get me wrong: it makes perfectly no difference to me what religious, ethnic, national and other such characteristics my collocutor possesses. A stimulating conversation is a stimulating conversation, with whomever you conduct it. But it's still heart-warming when it happens with people who are meant to be on the "other side."
Anyway, something some of you may've seen already but I came across it yesterday and thought it was bags of fun. Some are stupid but most are hilarious. Enjoy!
How to Brighten Your Day
Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other "non-player" must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
10. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
11. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
12. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
13. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).
14. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
15. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
16. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
17. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
18. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
19. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
20. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
21. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
22. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As G-d is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
23. In a colleague's diary, write under 10 am: "See how I look in tights."
24. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
25. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
26. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
27. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
28. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
29. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
30. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
31. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
32. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
33. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
34. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
36. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
37. Put your trash can on your desk and label it "IN."
38. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
39. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
40. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
41. Don't use any punctuation.
42. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
43. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
44. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
45. Sing along at the opera.
46. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
47. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
48. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
49. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
50. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
51. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
A note to Schwartz: CharlieBravo is full of Pataqs--five e-mails!! אין קולומביאנים! What's the big idea??! No hice todavía bastante de ellas, coño? Jajaja!! Te suplico, ayúdame, por favor!!
Have a shabat shalom everyone.
Posted on: Saturday, January 29, 2005
ב''ה
Got my ADSL yesterday!!
Wow, I met some very nice people today. I was with a friend at a bistro (that's akin to a cafe, for all you peasants out there
)--which is what I've been doing a lot of since returning permanently to Spain. I should've started brushing up on my Spanish by now but I haven't found a Latin American teacher yet and I'm loath to learn that hideous ceceo that characterizes (or, should I say, bastardizes) Castellan Spanish. I have secured a part-time job which pays a shitload of money for practically no work. Some people are so dumb: they're paying me EUR 30 an hour for something they could easily do themselves. But hey, I'm not complaining!!
ANYWAY, so I was there sipping my orange juice (which invariably gives me a helluva toothache later but I can still never resist it) engaged in a conversation, and a group of young Muslims walks in (two guys and three girls). I had no idea where they were from--could be anything from Morocco to haFilipinim--but I was quite happy because normally the only "foreigners" we get around here are dime-a-dozen teabags, much to my annoyance. Sometimes it seems half the damn England is down here. Some of them have been living here for ten, twenty years and their level of Spanish is STILL along the lines of "yo wanto un cheeseburgero." And they don't think there's anything amiss with that but they're the first to bitch about all the "immigrants" back in England who "don't want to accept our culture, speak our language, or dress like we." Pricks. Howbeit, our friends there were engaged in a fast-paced discussion (in Arabic, which narrowed my dilemma down a little) when all of a sudden one of the gents addressed us and asked if we spoke any French. My friend doesn't but I (kind of) do so we got talking. They initially wanted to know if we could recommend a place to stay up in Murcia for the night and things to see. Well, I couldn't be very helpful there but all the same we continued talking and eventually joined them at their table. And then they said they actually approached us because we were Jewish (they saw my kipah) and, to cut a longish story short, cared for some dialog. They turned out to be siblings from Morocco on their travels through Portugal, Spain and France. Naturally, we talked about le Moyen-Orient and they showed common sense, maturity and humanity. Of course there were differences but we agreed on most things and the rest were merely details. It only goes to show that we are all but humans and those of us who and normal and unburdened people can most definitely get along with each other. We agreed to stay in touch by e-mail--crap, I'll have to brush up on my French as well!--and some of them should be returning this summer. AND, last but not least, the girls were DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Too bad they'd only want to marry a Muslim.
Anyway, it put me in a good mood after Schindler's List had totally pissed me off two days before. And then I just read on Habibee's blog about more inter-faith cooperation in Florida. Don't get me wrong: it makes perfectly no difference to me what religious, ethnic, national and other such characteristics my collocutor possesses. A stimulating conversation is a stimulating conversation, with whomever you conduct it. But it's still heart-warming when it happens with people who are meant to be on the "other side."
Anyway, something some of you may've seen already but I came across it yesterday and thought it was bags of fun. Some are stupid but most are hilarious. Enjoy!
Ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity:
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other "non-player" must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
10. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
11. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
12. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
13. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).
14. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
15. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
16. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
17. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
18. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
19. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
20. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
21. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
22. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As G-d is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
23. In a colleague's diary, write under 10 am: "See how I look in tights."
24. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
25. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
26. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
27. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
28. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
29. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
30. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
31. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
32. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
33. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
34. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
36. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
37. Put your trash can on your desk and label it "IN."
38. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
39. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
40. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
41. Don't use any punctuation.
42. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
43. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
44. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
45. Sing along at the opera.
46. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
47. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
48. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
49. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
50. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
51. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
A note to Schwartz: CharlieBravo is full of Pataqs--five e-mails!! אין קולומביאנים! What's the big idea??! No hice todavía bastante de ellas, coño? Jajaja!! Te suplico, ayúdame, por favor!!
Have a shabat shalom everyone.
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