Name:     Michael L. S.   [E-Mail]
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      Website:  Middle East Resource Center


 

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All right, I know that "de gustibus et coloribus non est disputandum" but I just have to get this off my chest. I've found Hollywood "action movies" stultifying from an uncharacteristically young age (I think the last such movie I enjoyed was one of the Superman sequels back in, oh, nineteen-eighty-something; I must've been about five or thereabout. Thenceforth, I'd either flick the channel when I encountered a superhuman-hero-catches-a-flying-bullet-with-his-teeth-and-spits-it-out-into-a-gas-tank-which-explodes-and-takes-out-an-entire-army type of shit or I'd watch it so I could make cynical remarks and ruin the fun for anyone who was unfortunate enough to have to listen to me.

Now, last week I watched (well, "watched") Speed 2. It should, in actual fact, be called STUpeed 2 because you really have be an unadulterated dumbass to make such bullshit and an even bigger imbecile to enjoy watching it. Please stop me if you've heard this kind of plot before: an overzealous cop goes on a rampage while chasing a joyriding small-time crook. The captain is not happy, and our "detective" perforce takes a vacation (throw in a demotion for an added twist). So, he's about to go away and actually makes it to his favorite mode of transit with his long-suffering arm-candy when suddenly the most brilliant criminal mastermind ever to have walked the face of this planet appears and is hellbent on blowing somebody or something to smithereens. (Our piglet's simultaneous presence aboard is purely coincidental.) And in a shorter time than it takes one to reach for the remote control, our Einstein cop's already figured the perp's foolproof plan all out... - or at least enough to manage to terminally sabotage it. But wait! our crook most assuredly does NOT desist. In a mind-boggling turn of events, he snatches the busty (and brainy, to be sure!) heroine and makes a run for it. The supercop meanwhile moves and shakes about the immediate purlieus for a while longer so as to diffuse any remaining explosives, stop two engines of a cruiseliner with his bear hands or/AND rescue a bunny with a broken leg before the whole edifice optionally goes kabooey which--multitalented as he is--is a mere cinch. (Did I mention our piggy is an accomplished computer programmer to boot who always knows which buttons to press, regardless of which program or OS is running? Oh yes, you better believe it!) No time to take five though! Not fazed, let alone traumatized, in any way, our Jack (oops, did I say Jack? I meant Alex! ) miraculously catches up with his squeeze at the very last second--which, seeing as he had just defused a timed bomb with one second remaining on the clock, is something he's very much used to--and the battle of the century doth commence. Not depending on anything much that had transpired previously, the battle is either anticlimactic or something that would make Vince McMahon green with envy. Either way, following the obliteration of the final adversary, our multitasking, multitalented, multilingual, x-ray-and-thermal-imaging-bevisioned everyday guy from next-door with an IQ of 200+ is sure to have enough presence of mind to utter a phrase which leaves the beholder just fainting with admiration for its unprecedented wit and originality. Provided that the copster hadn't gotten a fleshwound in the shoulder somewhere along the line battling twenty ex-SEAL/Dragonhead commandos which he--did you ever doubt it--survived AND WON, he and the slightly hysterical but actually more so eye-rolling bimbo (who is also endowed with an extraterrestrial level of wit) have a nookie or something pointing in the direction thereof. Alternatively, the still-very-much alert copper-cum-engineer-cum-rock-climber-cum-pyrotechnician-cum-physicist-cum-historian-cum-boffin-cum-athlete-cum... - anyway, he is carried to a waiting ambulance on a stretcher with his concerned-but-relieved brainiac honeybunch right by his side.

Someone got a puke bag? I pray them pass it hither. Actually, better make that a double.

What set me off tonight? Well, tonight it was Glimmer Man (or some bollocks like that) with Steven Seagal as our utterly invincible and ever resourceful-in-every-respect-deity on the LAPD payroll. There was no broad involved but he had a partner instead. Well, more of a hapless sidekick who nevertheless got a ninja bite the dust when it came to it. (Oh, and he survived a massive gas explosion AND a subsequent fall from the second storey AND landing on top of the gearbox of a convertible fantastically parked downstairs with a mere cut above his eye and a grazed hand. No paralyses for him!!) I didn't see the end because it was just to painful to have it even switched on but I'm sure the finale was fittingly intellectually-stimulating as the whole thing itself.

(Oh shit, and yet more horsecrap is on now: Fair Game with Cindy Crawford--move over Michael Schuhmacher, Cindy can out-drive you in her sleep!) Christ, what I wouldn't give for a good old Clint Eastwood movie...

Speaking of stimulating (mentally!) movies, the last one I saw come out of Hollywood that came close was that thing about a paralyzed bomb expert who mentors a young cop (Angelina Jolie). I just found out it's called "The Bone Collector." It's quite old but I saw it again recently. Now THAT is an almost watchable movie despite the asinine ending.

Anyway, what's my point? Well, none, really. I just felt like ranting a bit. And anyone who's ever seen a half-decent Bollywood (Mumbai filmi industry) production surely knows that they beat 99% of Hollywood dirt hands-down. Bollywood films can get predictable after a while but at least they portray the depth of human relationships (especially romance and friendship) in a way I have not seen a Hollywood movie do in my 25 years of living. My all time favorite is Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (it's first Bollywood movie I ever saw), Mohobbatein and definitely Lagaan. There are a few others. Tamil movies are also worth a look. Those wanting to try these out should look out for actors Amitabh Bacchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Kajol Mukherjee and a few others (can't remember off-hand). You might want to avoid Aishwarya Rai as her movies tend to be on a somewhat fatuous side but... - she's nice to look at. I haven't had the chance to experience Lollywood (Lahore) productions but I'll diversify into that area, too, at some point.

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The Miss World contest took place today. The usual shtick, this time courtesy of the People's Republic. One thing I noticed and which kind of pissed me off: the main hostess looked about as Chinese as I. That girl must've had more plastic surgeries than Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson combined. She looked too "western" and I'm pretty sure that happened by design. It's common knowledge that a lot of non-Europeans (particularly in E and SE Asia) consider the European (read: Caucasian) look to be the epitome of beauty. And so you have hordes of Chinese, Koreans, Japanese and others sending their kids off to plastic surgeons to "remedy" the slitty eyes, palatal peculiarities in Asian people as well as use tons of bleaching creams to render their skin lighter. Puh-lease. It's both pathetic and sad. China boasts literally millions of educated and pretty girls who could've represented China and her beauty better than the said hostess. Oh well.

Have a shavua tov and take it easy. Oh, and stand by for an exclusive publication of my correspondence with none other than a SETTLER!! Now THERE'S something to look forward to, huh!

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