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The Pangs of Love
Posted on: Saturday, February 05, 2005
Well, my most esteemed ladies and gentleman, I have some awfully sad news, scilicet, I'm going away again.
For a longer time... - about six weeks. Yes, I know, I know, there there. I'm going quite far away on a kind of "reconnaissance mission", so to speak. If I like it I might relocated there at some point. For, shall we say, health and safety reasons I cannot say where it is but I'll let you know all about it once I'm back. Gotta go out with a "bang", even if a little one, so for my temporary farewell I'll write a piece about... - ah, love. 
I watched a movie last night--Keeping The Faith--which put me in a rather contemplative mood. It was about that thing called love. Jenna Elfman was really beautiful even though she's the exact antitype of the women I normally find attractive. I thought I'd wax lyrical now about the scope and fortitude of love but you know it all so we'll skip that part. Personal experience first and then streamlining it to general terms. Come on, we gotta have a structure to all this!
Well, I haven't been happy in love. I've had two long-term relationships. In other words, two too many. Why do I say that? Because I always had that somewhat utopian idealistic expectation to fall head over heels in love with the right person and stay with her for the rest of my life. Yes, old school, I know. But that's what works for me. I've always seen dating and all that as a waste of time to the point of being offensive. After all, what is the point of dating, as such? You go out with someone in your teens almost exclusively on the basis of physical attraction while having no other considerations in mind. And how likely is THAT kind of relationship to work out?!? Exactly. So why expend emotions, time and money pretending your date to be something special when you know deep down inside that all is infinitely more likely to come to nothing than not?? Need I even mention having sex with that person!!? Maybe I'm a sucker but I do believe you can only ever give your heart to one individual, and that 100%. So what befell me, then? Well, my first relationship was weird. I wouldn't even call it a real relationship--as I define relationships--although at the time it sure as hell seemed real enough. It was more of a trial run. The girl--a Filipina--and I entered it not exclusively out of love but for other reasons. One reason was religion--probably the main reason. Then expectations of the environment (I was particularly close to her family). And it seemed the natural thing to do. There was, of course, physical attraction. Did I love her? Of course I did. But the foundations of it all were tenuous, not least of all because my religious commitment was volatile whereof I was always subconsciously sensible. And yes, when I began reassessing my religious convictions, the whole edifice came crushing down like nobody's business. In retrospect, I do not regret it because--cliché alert--the experience made me stronger and was invaluable. It taught me more about people and how perfidious they can be than ten years of "ordinary life" could've. Individuals who had accepted me as their son became obnoxious, callous and treacherous overnight. We had a short go at it later on but that was more for therapeutic purposes (I think Dr. Phil would term it "closure" hehe) than for anything else. In short, she and I had nothing in common except religion. And while to some persons religion can supplant every other factor of life, I was not one of them and that fact manifested itself very frequently because we'd have a lot of arguments which concerned the fundamentals of life. Plus--I know it's not nice to say this but still--she had had religion inculcated into her to such an extent that she had somewhere along the line become labile. A shame, really, because otherwise she was a really benign and caring girl. The whole thing lasted almost exactly a couple of years. We're not in contact although I wouldn't mind exchanging the occasional e-mail to see how they're all doing. I was especially fond of her sister with whom I got along great (except when she was on her period--oy, oy, oy...) and who was a wonderful friend.
My second relationship (and my first love) were different. She was a stable girl--a Filipina again (and spare me the smartass comments please)--, who'd been through much, who wasn't naive and who--so I thought--was mature. Mature in the sense of understanding love to be what I myself understood it to be; the same with relationships. I have to say, I really felt loved by her. And the time we had together was the best time of my life. I don't regret it either. We had a lot of tiffs; however, unlike with her predecessor, these quarrels were insignificant--I'd be hard-pressed even now to recall the reason for even one of them. We also went through A LOT. Believe me when I say that we experienced more turmoil than 99.98% of other couples do. We were really tested to the limits. We had survived it all and I truly thought nothing could come between us; not terminally, anyway. I never felt there was anything "wrong" with us. You know how you sometimes get a gut feeling which nags at you that something is amiss even though all seems perfect? Nope: never had it with her. I made HUGE sacrifices for her, too; sacrifices, which most people would never make for anyone in any circumstances. But I did and thought nothing of it. I believed all the criteria which I believe have to be satisfied in order to have a good and strong relationship (and which I'll list later) had been met. Ah, but they hadn't. At the time of my greatest need, she stabbed me in the back by not providing me support when I really needed it but rather turned her back on me. She was going through a rough time herself but all the same I never expected it to unfold quite that way. My love for her didn't go away by any means in the aftermath of that trauma but it did get me thinking. And I realized that I really had been the only one making sacrifices and concessions in that relationship. (I wasn't bitter about it; after all I had done them gladly and had not even surveyed them.) She, on the other hand, seemed to be committed so long as it was convenient for her to be so; so long as it did not encroach on other facets of her life. If our relationship came to clash with something, well, then it was the one that had to yield. Don't get me wrong: she wasn't using me or anything of that sort. If anything, I was much more frugal with money that she was. Hey, I'm Jewish, whadaya expect!
Following that ordeal, naturally, we both were looking at how to restore trust and how she would make amends. She made a batch of promises which I believed she would honor because I thought she was truly remorseful about her previous lack of love or courage or strength or whatever it was(n't). And she set herself to make QUITE a big commitment and--some might call it--sacrifice. When push came to shove though and she had to deliver, she aborted. Of course it hadn't been entirely unexpected but it was nevertheless a discomforting and disappointing experience. And well, that was strike two. Unlike in baseball, strike two gets you out. By disappointing and reneging on her many promises yet again she proved for the second time all that the first incident had led me to suspect. She knew what the deal was and she chose convenience over her putative feelings. *shrug* The sacrifice she was meant to make WAS big, really big, particularly for someone from her background but in the circumstances was not unreasonable or disproportionate. Only that much. Anyway, it was a clean break with no subsequent overtures on her part; that did surprise me a little--for she had always exerted a lot of effort to patch things up; notwithstanding that one previous occasion--but it's water under the bridge now. My heart hasn't convalesced fully from that...experience...yet. I do occasionally come across something that reminds me of her or something I'd have liked to share with her. I think of the jokes only the two of us could understand. The quips only she'd have thought to make. I can't believe I'll never again in my life be able to share some things with the one person on this planet who'd fully understand them. After all, we'd known each other for five years of which we were in the relationship for almost three. The epilogue: she's apparently been writing some nasty things about me on her blog, which at one time I would've thought most uncharacteristic of her, and she owes me money which she had promised to return but--as with so many other things--has failed to do to date. That's OK, she can keep it; and the kind of behavior she's been exhibiting will only help me get over her more quickly. I think the bottom line is that she WAS after all immature (as a good and loyal friend of mine had told me many months ago and I wouldn't listen) and did not have the fiber for a genuine, selfless and eternal relationship. Oh well...
(BTW, apologies if parts of this are not as lucid as they might be. This is really aimed at specific individuals to whom I'd promised some elaboration and who are quite au fait with the "facts of the case." I'm sure the rest of you can make sense of it.)
Anyway, I have to say that I AM quite lugubrious for not having found love yet because of that seeing as I classify love as the most important thing in a person's life. (I've probably mentioned this elsewhere; screw it, you'll hear it again.) Of course, first of all, one has to have health; otherwise it is impossible to have anything else except a pretty casket. So that's a given. What next though? Is career important? Is education? Is an eclectic and active social life? Well, yes, insofar as they all enhance the quality of one's life. But do they give life a deeper meaning and purpose? I think not. You cannot take your money to your grave. And your friends have lives of their own. When I wake up one morning at the age of 60 or 70, I don't think a fat bank account or a nice appellation will have me look back on my life and smile. Rather, I think it will be waking up next to that one person whom I fell in love with and whom I'll still love with the same intensity and depth as the very first day. What makes for a successful relationship? Not that I have successful experience to vouch for it, but I reckon it is the following: (1) Common or compatible aspirations in life--where do you each and both want to get, how, at what cost: if one wants to dedicate themselves to a career and the other wants to travel frequently... - well, you see how it might cause problems. (2) Common expectations from life--what do you want in life, how do you want to live it, what are your priorities in the course of living as opposed to what you want to achieve: if one partner wants a penthouse in the city with all the mod cons and the other would prefer a reasonably quiet beach house together with the lifestyles each entails, then sooner or later resentment will emerge. This also goes for things like what to do Friday night: I'd rather be abducted by the Chizbolah than go to a nightclub; an extrovert party animal of a girl could probably not imagine herself doing anything but. (3) Intellectual compatibility (or should I say, parity)--self-explanatory, really: I don't know about you, but I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't have the competence and/or knowledge to participate in discussions about things which are important to you. I appreciate the fact we're not all philosophers but I like to think that if I start talking to my beloved about the mystery of life, I'll get a slightly deeper response than a shrug. This is just as important as the foregoing; else, you'll develop that feeling of unfulfillment and ennui before you know it. (4) Common interests--but NOT on any wise SAME interests. I think two people SHOULD share some preoccupations in life but their lives should not be entwined 24-7. It is best if both partners keep a hobby or activity which is autonomous of their partner. (5) Similar values--kind of goes without saying that someone who's looking for one committed relationship is not going to be happy with a person favoring "open" arrangements. The fundamentals should be common to both but not everything should shared, I don't think. You need the spice injected into a relationship by an occasional row, be it of an ethical, political or other nature. That's my two cents. So, love is when two lives counterpoint. And that cannot happen if those lives are divergent in elementary matters.
Anyway, that's all, folks! This will obviously not be updated--mostly because I'll have better things to do 
--but I will be checking my e-mail regularly so keep 'em coming. As always, read HaAretz and check out what Habibee and Robin have to say.
Shalom rav v'l'hitra'ot!
Posted on: Saturday, February 05, 2005
ב''ה
Well, my most esteemed ladies and gentleman, I have some awfully sad news, scilicet, I'm going away again.
For a longer time... - about six weeks. Yes, I know, I know, there there. I'm going quite far away on a kind of "reconnaissance mission", so to speak. If I like it I might relocated there at some point. For, shall we say, health and safety reasons I cannot say where it is but I'll let you know all about it once I'm back. Gotta go out with a "bang", even if a little one, so for my temporary farewell I'll write a piece about... - ah, love.
I watched a movie last night--Keeping The Faith--which put me in a rather contemplative mood. It was about that thing called love. Jenna Elfman was really beautiful even though she's the exact antitype of the women I normally find attractive. I thought I'd wax lyrical now about the scope and fortitude of love but you know it all so we'll skip that part. Personal experience first and then streamlining it to general terms. Come on, we gotta have a structure to all this!
Well, I haven't been happy in love. I've had two long-term relationships. In other words, two too many. Why do I say that? Because I always had that somewhat utopian idealistic expectation to fall head over heels in love with the right person and stay with her for the rest of my life. Yes, old school, I know. But that's what works for me. I've always seen dating and all that as a waste of time to the point of being offensive. After all, what is the point of dating, as such? You go out with someone in your teens almost exclusively on the basis of physical attraction while having no other considerations in mind. And how likely is THAT kind of relationship to work out?!? Exactly. So why expend emotions, time and money pretending your date to be something special when you know deep down inside that all is infinitely more likely to come to nothing than not?? Need I even mention having sex with that person!!? Maybe I'm a sucker but I do believe you can only ever give your heart to one individual, and that 100%. So what befell me, then? Well, my first relationship was weird. I wouldn't even call it a real relationship--as I define relationships--although at the time it sure as hell seemed real enough. It was more of a trial run. The girl--a Filipina--and I entered it not exclusively out of love but for other reasons. One reason was religion--probably the main reason. Then expectations of the environment (I was particularly close to her family). And it seemed the natural thing to do. There was, of course, physical attraction. Did I love her? Of course I did. But the foundations of it all were tenuous, not least of all because my religious commitment was volatile whereof I was always subconsciously sensible. And yes, when I began reassessing my religious convictions, the whole edifice came crushing down like nobody's business. In retrospect, I do not regret it because--cliché alert--the experience made me stronger and was invaluable. It taught me more about people and how perfidious they can be than ten years of "ordinary life" could've. Individuals who had accepted me as their son became obnoxious, callous and treacherous overnight. We had a short go at it later on but that was more for therapeutic purposes (I think Dr. Phil would term it "closure" hehe) than for anything else. In short, she and I had nothing in common except religion. And while to some persons religion can supplant every other factor of life, I was not one of them and that fact manifested itself very frequently because we'd have a lot of arguments which concerned the fundamentals of life. Plus--I know it's not nice to say this but still--she had had religion inculcated into her to such an extent that she had somewhere along the line become labile. A shame, really, because otherwise she was a really benign and caring girl. The whole thing lasted almost exactly a couple of years. We're not in contact although I wouldn't mind exchanging the occasional e-mail to see how they're all doing. I was especially fond of her sister with whom I got along great (except when she was on her period--oy, oy, oy...) and who was a wonderful friend.
My second relationship (and my first love) were different. She was a stable girl--a Filipina again (and spare me the smartass comments please)--, who'd been through much, who wasn't naive and who--so I thought--was mature. Mature in the sense of understanding love to be what I myself understood it to be; the same with relationships. I have to say, I really felt loved by her. And the time we had together was the best time of my life. I don't regret it either. We had a lot of tiffs; however, unlike with her predecessor, these quarrels were insignificant--I'd be hard-pressed even now to recall the reason for even one of them. We also went through A LOT. Believe me when I say that we experienced more turmoil than 99.98% of other couples do. We were really tested to the limits. We had survived it all and I truly thought nothing could come between us; not terminally, anyway. I never felt there was anything "wrong" with us. You know how you sometimes get a gut feeling which nags at you that something is amiss even though all seems perfect? Nope: never had it with her. I made HUGE sacrifices for her, too; sacrifices, which most people would never make for anyone in any circumstances. But I did and thought nothing of it. I believed all the criteria which I believe have to be satisfied in order to have a good and strong relationship (and which I'll list later) had been met. Ah, but they hadn't. At the time of my greatest need, she stabbed me in the back by not providing me support when I really needed it but rather turned her back on me. She was going through a rough time herself but all the same I never expected it to unfold quite that way. My love for her didn't go away by any means in the aftermath of that trauma but it did get me thinking. And I realized that I really had been the only one making sacrifices and concessions in that relationship. (I wasn't bitter about it; after all I had done them gladly and had not even surveyed them.) She, on the other hand, seemed to be committed so long as it was convenient for her to be so; so long as it did not encroach on other facets of her life. If our relationship came to clash with something, well, then it was the one that had to yield. Don't get me wrong: she wasn't using me or anything of that sort. If anything, I was much more frugal with money that she was. Hey, I'm Jewish, whadaya expect!
Following that ordeal, naturally, we both were looking at how to restore trust and how she would make amends. She made a batch of promises which I believed she would honor because I thought she was truly remorseful about her previous lack of love or courage or strength or whatever it was(n't). And she set herself to make QUITE a big commitment and--some might call it--sacrifice. When push came to shove though and she had to deliver, she aborted. Of course it hadn't been entirely unexpected but it was nevertheless a discomforting and disappointing experience. And well, that was strike two. Unlike in baseball, strike two gets you out. By disappointing and reneging on her many promises yet again she proved for the second time all that the first incident had led me to suspect. She knew what the deal was and she chose convenience over her putative feelings. *shrug* The sacrifice she was meant to make WAS big, really big, particularly for someone from her background but in the circumstances was not unreasonable or disproportionate. Only that much. Anyway, it was a clean break with no subsequent overtures on her part; that did surprise me a little--for she had always exerted a lot of effort to patch things up; notwithstanding that one previous occasion--but it's water under the bridge now. My heart hasn't convalesced fully from that...experience...yet. I do occasionally come across something that reminds me of her or something I'd have liked to share with her. I think of the jokes only the two of us could understand. The quips only she'd have thought to make. I can't believe I'll never again in my life be able to share some things with the one person on this planet who'd fully understand them. After all, we'd known each other for five years of which we were in the relationship for almost three. The epilogue: she's apparently been writing some nasty things about me on her blog, which at one time I would've thought most uncharacteristic of her, and she owes me money which she had promised to return but--as with so many other things--has failed to do to date. That's OK, she can keep it; and the kind of behavior she's been exhibiting will only help me get over her more quickly. I think the bottom line is that she WAS after all immature (as a good and loyal friend of mine had told me many months ago and I wouldn't listen) and did not have the fiber for a genuine, selfless and eternal relationship. Oh well...
(BTW, apologies if parts of this are not as lucid as they might be. This is really aimed at specific individuals to whom I'd promised some elaboration and who are quite au fait with the "facts of the case." I'm sure the rest of you can make sense of it.)
Anyway, I have to say that I AM quite lugubrious for not having found love yet because of that seeing as I classify love as the most important thing in a person's life. (I've probably mentioned this elsewhere; screw it, you'll hear it again.) Of course, first of all, one has to have health; otherwise it is impossible to have anything else except a pretty casket. So that's a given. What next though? Is career important? Is education? Is an eclectic and active social life? Well, yes, insofar as they all enhance the quality of one's life. But do they give life a deeper meaning and purpose? I think not. You cannot take your money to your grave. And your friends have lives of their own. When I wake up one morning at the age of 60 or 70, I don't think a fat bank account or a nice appellation will have me look back on my life and smile. Rather, I think it will be waking up next to that one person whom I fell in love with and whom I'll still love with the same intensity and depth as the very first day. What makes for a successful relationship? Not that I have successful experience to vouch for it, but I reckon it is the following: (1) Common or compatible aspirations in life--where do you each and both want to get, how, at what cost: if one wants to dedicate themselves to a career and the other wants to travel frequently... - well, you see how it might cause problems. (2) Common expectations from life--what do you want in life, how do you want to live it, what are your priorities in the course of living as opposed to what you want to achieve: if one partner wants a penthouse in the city with all the mod cons and the other would prefer a reasonably quiet beach house together with the lifestyles each entails, then sooner or later resentment will emerge. This also goes for things like what to do Friday night: I'd rather be abducted by the Chizbolah than go to a nightclub; an extrovert party animal of a girl could probably not imagine herself doing anything but. (3) Intellectual compatibility (or should I say, parity)--self-explanatory, really: I don't know about you, but I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't have the competence and/or knowledge to participate in discussions about things which are important to you. I appreciate the fact we're not all philosophers but I like to think that if I start talking to my beloved about the mystery of life, I'll get a slightly deeper response than a shrug. This is just as important as the foregoing; else, you'll develop that feeling of unfulfillment and ennui before you know it. (4) Common interests--but NOT on any wise SAME interests. I think two people SHOULD share some preoccupations in life but their lives should not be entwined 24-7. It is best if both partners keep a hobby or activity which is autonomous of their partner. (5) Similar values--kind of goes without saying that someone who's looking for one committed relationship is not going to be happy with a person favoring "open" arrangements. The fundamentals should be common to both but not everything should shared, I don't think. You need the spice injected into a relationship by an occasional row, be it of an ethical, political or other nature. That's my two cents. So, love is when two lives counterpoint. And that cannot happen if those lives are divergent in elementary matters.
Anyway, that's all, folks!
This will obviously not be updated--mostly because I'll have better things to do --but I will be checking my e-mail regularly so keep 'em coming. As always, read HaAretz and check out what Habibee and Robin have to say.
Shalom rav v'l'hitra'ot!
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